Dear Marion Barry (and citizens of Washington DC),

By your recent example of leading/having an anti-gay marriage rally and protest today, I have learned some valuable lessons. I want to thank you for setting the record straight (pardon the term) and living by God’s example. I’ve learned the following things from you and hope to translate them into my every day life:

- Carry signs that state “kids deserve a mom AND a dad” even though it has nothing to do with gay marriage (people can get pregnant without being married)
- Be more concerned about “the gays” than other social issues (AIDS rate, youth violence, drug use, failing schools, etc.)
- If you are a minority, try to hate someone in a group smaller than your minority (Blacks, Jews, gays, etc.)
- Use the bible to justify your bigotry (when slaves were legal and accepted, hating Jews, not allowing women to own property or vote, etc.)
- Try to mix politics and your own personal religious views as often as possible (gay marriage, gambling, etc.)
- Try your best to oppress groups of people you hate but don’t call it prejudice, bigotry or some sort of “ism.” Instead, tell people it is “God’s will” and purport to be saving the USA from a moral hazard.

From you Marian Barry I’ve learned the most. I’ve learned that being gay isn’t the path to being a responsible citizen. And wanting the same rights as my fellow citizens is in fact ridiculous and sick. Instead, I plan to consort with people that do illicit drugs and in engage in those activities myself. I also plan on never paying my taxes again, which makes even more sense for me since I don’t currently have the same rights as you.

Seriously. Thank you random DC citizens (and commuters) and Marion Barry. Today I’ve learned so much.